Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
