so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize