tequila makes me forget i have legs
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
