Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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