can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
