Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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