Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
