you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
