I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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