What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
