He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Send help, water and tortillas.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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