Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
we should paint friendship bongs
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