I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
