The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
