Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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