she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
