I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
