woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
