Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
