she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
