Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
