Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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