So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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