so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
