You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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