I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
