and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
