I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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