I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I wish you could order shots online.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
