Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
