I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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