her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize