If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
