Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
