My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
