You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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