you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize