My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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