how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
