So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
