chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize