I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You have to summon your inner elephant
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
