thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize