I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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