there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
