I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
