I think I died a long time ago.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
