Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
