To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
