seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
