Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize