No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
