I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
please come you make the beer taste better
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
