so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
