The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
