someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
