Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
