Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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