God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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