Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
