i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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