glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
