Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
