the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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