Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I didn't notice because vodka
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
