bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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