On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
