My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
