My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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