he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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