Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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